No more excuses!

This is a low point. I'm hoping things can only go up from here.....except the scale. After years of excuses, promises to myself, procrastination and a lack of any decent will-power, I have made a pact with myself to lose weight and I'm dangling a pretty hefty carrot to motivate myself. Here's the deal......

Lose 30 pounds and I get to buy a new iPad.

I'm not huge, but I'm also not happy. I'm afraid for my life and instead of continuing to burying my head in the sand, I've decided to do something about it.

Here are my reasons for losing weight

1. I'm not happy with my appearance. While I cannot change many items about myself....I know I won't ever become super model tall, I'll always have hips and boobs and I'm short waisted, I also know I should have a waist, not as much butt as there appears to be and the saggy stomach look isn't even attractive on a woman who's recently given birth so there's no reason I should have one!

2. I'm not getting any younger. I turned 37 last month. While not what I'd consider old, I'm also not in that "young" category. 40 is right around the corner, then 50, then....... I've heard losing weight is harder as you get older, so why wait?

3. Illness. I'm scared. Have you ever read the obituaries? " Age 42, after a long, courageous battle with cancer." "Heart attack at age 45." Holy shit! That could be me! I don't want to wait to get myself healthy!

4. Health. Linked to #3, but I am starting to recognize my body as a machine, one that need the appropriate fuel to work optimally. Hamburgers just won't do it. I have been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, and I am ashamed of what food I feed my family. The change has to come from me.

5. My 4 beautiful kids and wonderful husband. They deserve a wife and mother who stays alive for many more years. My husband, who has NEVER complained about my weight, and has always given me kind words when I complain about myself, deserves a wife to be proud of ( I know he's proud, but I want him to look at me and say WOW!). My kids deserve a mom who can keep up with them at the park, who isn't wearing a skirted swimsuit at the water park, who teaches them the importance of exercise and healthy eating AND willpower AND that you need to work hard to get what you want out of life.

Now, my obstacles to this hefty goal.....

1. My lack of will power. When I see a bag of BBQ chips, they end up in my shopping cart, which end up in my cupboard, which get pulled out when Alexa is napping or when I need to munch before bed. Does a majority of the bag evaporate? Yes. Do I feel sick afterward? Yes. Do I wake up in the middle of the night with a horrible taste in my mouth, even though I brushed my teeth? Yes. Does this seem to stop me the next time? Nope.

2. I am lazy. It's so much easier to run to a drive-though when you have a hectic schedule, or to buy "convenience foods" at the grocery store. Making a meal from scratch takes time and effort. While I'm usually lacking in time, the lack of effort is 100% my fault and with some better planning, I can fix this! I also don't really look forward to exercise. I don't like getting sweaty, even though when I have exercised in the past I do like how I feel afterwards. I don't like having to re-shower, re-do my hair, makeup, etc....

3. My allergies. I have Oral Allergy Syndrome, resulting from my high allergic response to almost all trees, weeds and grasses. This means my body cannot differentiate from the pollen these plants produce and their fruit. I cannot eat anything that grows on a tree (exceptions are oranges, bananas and pineapple- due to the fact I haven't been exposed to these trees my body hasn't learned how to be allergic to them yet!) and melons, strawberries, and.......the list continues. Scary? Yup. To make it even better, I also have a tree nut and peanut allergy. Here's how my life goes......I have several Epi-pens and Benadryl with me at all times. If I eat something and I start to itch, in goes the Benadryl. If I start to have trouble breathing or my throat starts getting tight, in goes the Epi-pen and 911 comes to get me. I am terrified of being alone with Alexa and dying. I'm terrified one of my kids will have to watch this happen and have the sense to recognize what is happening and remember what to do. What if I'm in public? Do I train my friends on how to use an Epi-pen? So many uncertainties on how to prevent myself from dying, yet I have to look at the flip side.....without these foods, how do I prepare a healthy diet for myself?

4. My thyroid. I have hypothyroidism. Basically, in some sort of an auto-immune response, my body killed my thyroid. I take a synthetic replacement daily, but your thyroid greatly effects your metabolism, making weight loss difficult. I have used this as an excuse to not even bother trying, as one doctor told me there's a chance even on a 900 cal/day diet I wouldn't lose weight. I took this as defeat was actually glad to not weigh more! I need to change this mind-set.

5. Exercise aversion. As I briefly mentioned, I hate exercising. I don't like sore muscles, I don't like sweating and I can find a million things I'd rather be doing. I can also make a list of a million things I NEED to get done. I hate waking up early, I don't want to have to re-shower later in the day, and I'm tired in the evenings. When is this supposed to happen? How to I learn to make time for this very important part of the process?

6. I'm cheap. This category encompasses so much. I hate large grocery bills, and we all know its easier and cheaper to buy crappy food than it is to buy healthy. I don't want to pay for a gym membership or a babysitter so I can exercise. I don't want to buy exercise items for myself (even though I can drop $200 on a baseball bat for Dylan without even flinching). And.....I don't want to have to pay for new clothes if I'm successful and I need smaller sizes. (Even though I love shopping!)

On paper (or whatever this is now called!), I'm pathetic. The obstacles are lame, but real. But my reasons to do this are real too.

Here is the beginning of the new me. Wish me luck!